The Responsibility Trap

And how we tend to be over responsible and/or under responsible

Responsibility is a funny thing. Most people I know either take on responsibilities that aren’t theirs or avoid the ones they should take on. I struggle with both. But I also know how empowering it feels when I manage to get it right. The catch? I often forget how to do it, and find myself having to relearn it again and again

The annoying thing about “self-development”—or whatever you want to call it so you don’t cringe—is that you never truly learn something once and for all. Your brain, armed with years of well-worn habits, will always try to revert to old ways. The lazy ways. The ways we once created to survive. We all develop these patterns through a mix of role modelling, societal conditioning, personal circumstances, temperament, and personality traits. What a beautiful mess of things we, humans, are.

The good news? Re-learning is easier. You know the tricks. More importantly, you know there’s another way. You’ve been there before, and you like it there. Armed with the confidence of that knowledge, you try again, hoping that eventually, it will become second nature. Your new comfort zone.

I first heard about responsibility in this way over 3 years ago, on the Maisie Hill Podcast. I remember recommending those 3 episodes to friends and excitedly discussing with them this obvious truth hiding in plain sight—not groundbreaking, just common sense, even if few of us actually live by.

Now, as I train as a coach and work with clients, I find myself returning to this concept over and over again. More importantly, when I feel resentful, frustrated, lost, or overwhelmed, I try to remember to ask myself: What is my responsibility in all this?

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When We Are Over-Responsible

Responsibility means having authority, control, and accountability over something.

Just reading that feels heavy. But it also makes me think about the many times I’ve felt responsible for things I have no control over. A false sense of responsibility, where we allow ourselves (or others) to hold us accountable for outcomes we could, at best, only influence.

Most of us, socialised as women, have been conditioned to take on too much responsibility.

We’re praised for being kind, compliant, and selfless—for making sure no one is upset, disappointed, or uncomfortable, even at our own expense. The emotional labour falls on us: The birthday gifts bought, the fair holiday splits negotiated, the “just checking in” messages sent to keep connections alive.

A lot of these things are acts of love—and I value them massively. But the problem arises when kindness becomes a duty. When we feel obligated, guilty when we don’t, and resentful when others don’t reciprocate. (guilty!)

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

But there’s something worse: by constantly protecting people from their own discomfort, we take away their opportunity to grow. We deny them the chance to step up, deal with the frustration, find alternatives, bounce back, do better. Isn’t it a little patronising to shield people from disappointment? Maybe it’s a projection of our own fears about how we’d handle it.

And maybe—just maybe—that’s convenient for us too. Because if we’re busy fixing everything for others, we don’t have to look too closely at our own responsibilities.

That brings me to…

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When We Abdicate Responsibility

But just as we take on too much, we also give away responsibility when we shouldn’t…