I put lipstick on the first time. I know I am not always going to, but it was the first time and I felt like making the effort. Some red lipstick, my new boots. A giggly smile on my way out, counting the minutes. Not knowing very well what to expect, but almost sure that I was going to enjoy the company, after all I have been complaining about missing her, I mean me, for a while.
I dropped the kids to the birthday party and turned off my phone. Those are the rules, well, my rules. 2 hours, no phone, no other company, intentionality. There is something about calling the date a date. A specific attention to the details when you have labeled that time alone with a word that implies something special, out of the ordinary. Well, for me…
Now that I am thinking about it I haven’t really “dated” people much. I mean, I went on dates but when were already together, I haven’t done much of the let’s meet to do something, and see if we like each other and then after a fun dinner and a walk home wait by the door making awkward noises with my keys in my hand… “I guess I should get going” I always imagine myself saying - mostly because I have consumed my fair share of romantic comedies- and then, the other person (I am choosing to embrace my bisexuality here as I didn’t really when growing up) would look at me, and kiss me. Butterflies in the stomach. Open the eyes at the same time, stupid smile. “Well, wow, I mean… good night, but also wow”. The End. Or the beginning. I guess both.
Sorry, I got a bit distracted there! But no, I never did much of that. I kind of only went on dates with people after I had already kissed them. Never a woman of mystery myself. I went to one of those dates in Spain with a guy and it was really awful, after all that messenger flirting we didn’t like each other in real life “should we go to the cinema so we don’t need to speak to each other?” I suggested. We couldn’t even agree on a film.
I went on another date in Italy when I was on Erasmus (I genuinely think these 2 were the only times ever in my life). The guy was forgettable, and all my friends from the south of Italy were DISGUSTED that he let me pay the drinks after dinner. I explained that he paid the dinner and I insisted in paying the drinks but they were having none of it “a real man never lets a woman pay”. Bullshit. I always insisted on paying something when out with guys (but those dates didn’t count as such because we had already kissed so there was never going to be a big “omg, would they kiss me by the door while I make awkward noises with the keys?”). Money and dates is a whole thing isn’t it?
I didn’t have that problem dating myself the other day. I knew in advance that I was going to pay for it all, but it was fair because at the end of the day it was me who insisted on going out, I chose the place, I ordered. If we are completely honest I wasn’t very generous with myself “but it is not because you don’t deserve it, queen, it’s because what matters here is the company” I told myself, only half lying. Only half believing it.
Boots, and lipstick and giggly smile, we went out on this cheap date. We slooowly checked the charity shops, looking at clothes that I didn’t need or buy, house items, books. I went to a stationary shop and amazed myself admiring things without the urge to buy them. And look, if you can resist a stationary shop then your willpower speaks volumes. I didn’t though, I bought 2 pens, because I am not a monster.
Then I had hot chocolate. In a cafe. Alone.
And wrote a looong letter to my BFF in Madrid. I don’t really know if that is cheating because the date was supposed to be with me and not with her, but writing a letter requires thinking, and remembering, and telling stories, and being honest. And that is the kind of date I was hoping for. I miss her, so the idea of her receiving the letter, and preparing herself a coffee and spending some time together, even if “pre-recorded”, felt really nurturing. We both have kids, so our conversations are more like voice messages with children breaking things in the background or wind because we are walking somewhere. The letter gave me the time to update her on things that I would never message her about, because they are too big, or because they are too small. Voice messages are more for middle of the road stuff, but in a letter you can go from “I had a panic attack” to “I am wearing boots that are gold and pink and red, I bought them in a charity shop, brand new for £10 and they are £180 in the shop at the moment! I basically saved £170 buying something that I didn’t know I NEEDED”.
I would probably send her a voice message about that because that is definitely not “panic attack” big but also definitely not small. It is the perfect amount of importance to keep the friendship alive.
Also, here are the boots. I know, gorgeous. They come with a whole personality upgrade because you need a certain confidence in yourself to wear those KNOWING that you deserve them, also happiness comes in all shapes and forms and sometimes this means boots.
I finished the letter and the hot chocolate, sent it straight away. Picked up the kids. Lighter, happier. “should we do this again?” I asked boldly “Let’s do it weekly” and it reminded me of those honeymoon times with past boyfriends and current husband. Those moments at the beginning, when you wear lipstick and mascara and can’t wait to see them again.
I might not wear lipstick the next time, because maybe I take me on a hike, (trying to convince me that I am outdoorsy and cool). I miss the specific joy in the personality lies of the first dates, when you embody the best version of yourself, believing (as much as making the other person believe) that those 2 hours snippets are a fair sample of your whole self. If only.
I have the solemn certitude that I am spending the rest of my life with myself, and I can say the same about you. So bring yourself out on a date, get yourself for a walk, or wear your favourite pyjama and make it cosy. Make it feel like a treat. Wear the lipstick if you want to. I can’t promise the butterflies in the stomach, but if you can, I do recommend the stupid smile at the end and the cheesy good bye. Fuck it, why not.
Love this and you!
Omg I have to show you my interstellar boots. Let’s wear our wild ones together 🤩